It Grows Inside Of Me

The tests all say that something alien grows inside of me

The signs all point to a vast and potent malignancy

Surgeons suggest I undergo a non-invasive operation

Radiologists recommended a course of ionizing radiation

They found a bunch of lesions and my numbers are all too high

Of course, at first, all that I could do was just keep on asking why

I sometimes feel like those who house a worm so large that it barely fits

But this stuff won’t ever be expelled just by the mere taking of a shit

Some oncologist offered up a regimen of targeted, toxic chemotherapy

Long ago the church would have condemned all their stuff as evil heresy

Perhaps it was my genes, diet, poor attitudes, stress or the stuff that’s in the air

Anyway, this is the end of my illusion of living forever, without a care

They said that it may be spreading further on out into my spleen

I’ve done some thinking and decided to try not to be quite so mean

Just now it’s starting to metastasize into my delicate pancreas

So I need not even tell that fat and lazy clerk that she can kiss my ass

It lives and grows inside of me, so I guess it must be part of me

Others shake their heads, glad they have not lived so wickedly

I think about the chronic pain, the growing weakness and the bed sores

They shake their heads and whisper…once they’re safe, outside my door

The End Of My Life

Nobody could have despised me any more or much better than I did all by myself

I saw the looks of disgust that they tried to cover while quickly turning away

Children spoke to me frankly and their parents hissingly pulled them aside

I hated myself for even the slightest hint of feeling sorry for me

Many women were frightened to be left alone anywhere with me

Others fled laughing together and I was left devastated in their echoes

In a world of clean and shiny youth, I was a disgusting pus-filled sac

I knew without a doubt there was no sense in even trying, ever again

I was isolated and alone and I knew it was far easier that way

I did not want to be around me, either, and I could clearly see just why

Books and drugs took me away, not from so-called reality, but from myself

A simple glance in the mirror brought on hours of suicidal thoughts

Everywhere I went people stared briefly and then turned away quickly in repulsion

I chose silence knowing that I would never have listened to such a thing as me

I grew obsessive and compulsive after seemingly endless failures

Family occasions became agonizing ordeals though only of simple polite conversation

Too cowardly for suicide, I tried to kill myself by being accident-prone

No one could help me and I grew less and less willing to help myself

Self-hatred banished self-pity and caustic cynicism encrusted me like a scab

A selfish depression weighed down all my thoughts and filled my head like a bad cold

I knew I would never play the good or even useful roles I read of in their books

I never understood why this would happen to anyone, and it had happened to me

An overwhelming sense of guilt, futility and foolishness was always upon me

I gave up on plans that others made and kicked aside the dreams that they pursued

Quit bothering to try after they proved to me too many times that it did not help

I watched as others grew up and moved on and knew that I would always remain

Would not have bothered listening had anyone ever tried to talk to me

Wore the same nondescript clothes for years because it simply made no difference

Avoided eye contact out of a sense of shame and bitter self-loathing

Went for days at a time without a word and never really spoke to anyone

Slept as much as I could but never awoke from the foolish nightmare

Spun slowly in a powerful eddy of painful but meaningless absurdity

Saw all too clearly the trivial nature of my inescapable predicament

Laughed most harshly at myself over many a powerful dose of self-medications

Could not think of the future for my overpowering disgust at the present

Grew mute and apathetic from visualizing myself as others saw me

Could not conceive of a future from the ruins of my self-destructive present

Traveled to distant fantasies with the music to forget for just a few moments

Had to take the bit part of an irrelevant fool in every single thing I did

Sat in the back in silence and simply took all the tests for no good reason

Could not adopt any role models for I knew they would not want me as a follower

Had an overwhelming need for drugs to gain brief pause from self-loathing

Spent almost all my time alone but was ashamed to be my only and best friend

Hated the world I had to build because I was not fit to be in theirs

Did not want to live but knew it would be even stupider to die

Grew so tired of being lonely, but that did not help at all

Had to stay numbed up because everything I did just made my lame shit worse

Missed all the good times then and I bitterly miss them still

Kept my mouth shut since I would not have taken seriously anything that I said

Tried to remain invisible but stood out like an infected wound

Wanted to be alone behind closed doors but there were always things to do

Woke up hung over to inescapable self-hatred each and every morning

At last I turned all of 16 and I had managed to remove all hope from my future

No Longer The World I Knew

It is no longer early morning

It is no longer cool yet bright and warming

This is not the place where I was born

This is not the land where I was raised

There is no point in being angry

There is no profit to being sad

These are not the people who once knew my parents

These are not the values they taught us as children

There are no excuses I can give you

There are no reasons I could understand

It is far away from my home town

It is far from what I had expected

This is not the place of which I dreamed

This is not the wellspring of man’s hope

There is nowhere left where I could hide

There is nowhere else I have hope to find

These are not the fields we walked together

These are not the cities I once imagined

There are fewer things that we can count on

There is far more for which only faith can serve

It is not as quiet as it used to be

It is far easier to just go and shop

This is not what my father fought for

This is not what my uncles taught me

There is no longer room for doubt

There is no longer need of such good faith

These are not the Western skies I slept beneath

These are not the lakes in which I swam

There are still scattered pockets of resistance

There are fewer stars in each night’s sky

It is now that their family values must sustain us

It is a time to cast aside old reason

This is not the path I thought I followed

This is not the goal I sought

There is comfort in the words of our sponsors

There is safety in our righteous flock

These are not the ends they worked so hard for

This is not the gentle laughter that we shared

There are reasons to keep silent

There are judgments that will be made

It is late but all the lights still burn

It is not peaceful but they say we must be winning

This is less than we could have done

This is more than we should have taken

There is no longer any question

There is no halfhearted middle way

These are the days when we must not falter

These decisions cannot ever be regretted

There are no more secret places for the boys

There are no longer reasons for compromise

It is soon our debt comes due

It is not for hunger that we continue eating

This is not some cable movie

This should not be so easy to ignore

There is time to search for answers

There is good reason to avoid the questions

These are the things the old ones could remember

These are the times to reduce your dreams

There are those who would see us in hell

There are children in need of guidance

It is said things are getting better

It is not for lack of trying

This is not some rented movie

This is your son, somewhere face down

There is pride that decorates our folly

There is no more time for a peaceful twilight

These are not the winters I once witnessed

These are good times to promote consumption

There are now no children who await the summer

There are foolish secrets we’ve not been told

It is true that now folks live much longer

It also just happens food spoils more slowly

This is not the role that I was raised for

This is not the reason we removed the Indians

There is something on our hands

There is no reason to feel sad or guilty

These are not my wildest dreams

These are things my grandma would never imagine

There are logical reasons that we got here

There are still fine excuses to be used again

Even Now, I Never

even as I sit here, few of my atoms remain together

even now the tiny spark is gone, never noticed, in this vast fire

even as I start to speak, long ago my voice stopped even fading away

even now my life compresses infinitely, off into the past

even as I forget the bygone, the hand that writes erases

even now at this pace very little can remain

even as I am born here, I lay dying, just over there

even now this briefest interval has no size at all

even as I am formed from egg and sperm, I am already what I was before

even now my grave was on a planet whose history is forever lost

even as I leave here, all I knew I leave behind there

even now our voices are as some background chorus of insects

even as this is forgotten, surely it need never have existed

even now the emptiness answers only with our echoes

even as I am a descendant, all lines end in single points

even now we only follow short tangents to the infinite circle

even as I lose my bearings, I do not ever lose my place

even now I face the inscrutable future exactly as I did the unknown past

even as I see the light, it matters not if I see at all

even now my understanding is no longer part of any mind

even as I await my re-entry into the void, was I ever really here?

even now these words I write have completely disappeared

even as if I never existed, I sum to just as much

even now the things I see are dreams that disappear within me

even as I came to from nowhere, there I shall return

even now the interval I call myself vibrates briefly then fades away

even as we journey, we remain as close to the beginning as to the end

even now, through my joy and sadness, the darkness is unchanging

even as I try to pause and contemplate, it does not effect my pace

even now we are not forgotten but merely nothing to remember

even as our sun grows cold and dark, its light is new in other galaxies

even now the center is always everywhere, all at once

even as I found the truth, I simply need not have even looked

even now our suffering has all the meaning of the wind

even as our collective wisdom grows, it is gone without a trace

even now the gods we invented influence no more actions

even as we measure time, all the clocks have long since disappeared

even now it is far too late to change the words that have all gone away

Impotent Liberal Atonement

Uncontrollable anxiety regarding a bleak future won’t make the world any better

Personal remorse does nothing for disappearing tigers, rhinos, albatross, tuna or dolphins

Periods of sadness end without the slightest change in the rampaging greed of others

Despair regarding the lost night sky stars does not begin to get rid of their useless lights

Feeling responsible for every stupid war does not help prevent the next one, even one bit

Blaming oneself for their poverty will never bring them even a little hope for tomorrow

Seated safe and acting helpless keeps the acid rain falling gently down upon me

Despising our so-called leader’s foolish actions in no way helps us be rid of them

My pitiful attempts at conservation are not visible on the grand scale of our daily waste

Not shopping too much at Wal*Mart isn’t earning our way to some green heaven

Fretting over the melting of the glaciers does nothing but, really, it’s all we can do for them

Taking them to court cannot positively change even one thing in their greedy, shortsighted minds

This puny, yellow squalling does not affect their colossally-costly military insanity

These feeble efforts at recycling are as useless as their childish praying

My squeaking rage against our righteous, willful ignorance influences only myself

Depressing on overpopulation does not provide any birth control for the poor

Whining over far-off habitat destruction does not stop a single poor family’s slash and burn

Email campaigns against rich developers are snuffed just like so much worthless spam

All the tree-hugging, toxic sweatshop-made, plastic bumper stickers only strengthen their resolve

My cute old economy car looks so silly among their vast herds of giant SUVs and pickups

Paying twice as much for stale organic produce just fuels their knowing smirks

They laugh at us for turning down our thermostats as they loll about in shorts inside McMansions

Idling giant cars to eat drive-thru dinners in air-conditioned comfort shits upon all our efforts

How is it that we make the world better by picking up the trash that they keep leaving behind?

Wetland restoration campaigns are jokes given the toxic state of our chanellized and denuded rivers

Thrift is only for the most out-of-touch in this the land of negative savings rate prosperity

Reading and writing are so very yesteryear to the hi-def big-screen texting nextups

what is the point of vast empty forests given our angry and aggressive patriots making payments on their loud and smoky, ATVs, dirtbikes and snowmobiles?

The sum of our foolish guilt stops not one drop from melting off the stupid Greenland ice cap

This conservation stuff can only remain merely a dubious personal virtue of marginal social value

Walking and biking among the gas-powered herds is such an impotent form of atonement

All our shrill green efforts are as so much pointless self-flagellation by clueless penitents

I hated me as they must have

I hated me and could not look other people in the eye

I could not tolerate my own reflection in a simple mirror

I knew that they were right to shun me and so I, too, tried to shun myself

I had no friends because I did not want to know those who would want to know me

I hated myself deeply and became, unconsciously, quite self-destructive

I grew bitter and sardonic, caustic and cynical well before my appointed time

I stayed alone just to avoid exposing myself to any normal people

I longed to be simply ordinary and not some monster who frightened children

It was no heroic battle against overwhelming odds

Just a mundane pusy deformation that blew up in my face

I hated me as they must have, as well, and I tried to let them know

If you tried to like me, I would have to hate you because I could not stand myself

I spent far too much time alone and it only made me stranger

I grew so knotted up inside I had to avoid even simple conversations

My face grew long and narrow and I remained always in the shadows

I lashed out in my frustration and, of course, they all just shook their heads

I could not take me seriously and thus I could form no plans

I simply ignored the future since I knew there was no place there for me

I sat depressed in the dark over the foolishness of my loneliness and anger

I peeled my silly mind like a very small onion and found no kernel at its center

I did not speak until questioned, then turned red, mumbled and looked away

I hated me and it showed in my clothes and voice and hair, my walk and expression

I hated having to hate myself because it seemed so petty and stupidly selfish

I hated those who tried to help me because I knew they did it only out of pity

I was devastated by that look of disgusted fear in women’s eyes

It seemed I tried with all my energy to simply disappear

I looked too closely within and was nauseated by what I saw

My future ended just after puberty and was replaced by anxiety and self-doubt

It was no noble struggle, no cross was borne and no hard lessons were won

I knew everything I did could only be unimportant and totally absurd

I lost interest in my constant depression and escaped into works of fiction

But I knew enough to never identify with the heroes, anymore

The best I could hope for was to be simply ignored and quickly forgotten

I saw everything I did through the twisted prism of the way that I looked

I could not feel sorry for myself because I hated that as well

I became quite absorbed by total failure at a very early age

I knew that I was not weak but it was also very obvious that I was worthless

I kept close company with artists, writers and musicians whom I would never meet

I felt sentenced to a foolish and degrading bit part that I was loathe to play

I employed various drugs in constant vain efforts at self-medication

I was shunned and I shunned others and myself in equal measure

I observed myself with disgust and just wanted to crawl away

Everywhere I went in public I heard these voices screaming ‘Freak’, ringing in my ears

I cursed god and bade him strike me down, as I lacked the courage to do so myself

I did what I was told in school without question, comment or objection

I bitterly rejected the sickening role of the unspeakably disgusting to which I was assigned

I hated myself for even fantasizing over ordinary relationships

I laughed harshly at my wasted lust as women fled, revolted by my appearance

I hid stoned within a book as much of the time as I could possibly arrange

I made it so they had to turn over a rock to find me, scuttling away from their light

I grew angry realizing my stupid hopes to be normal could never come true

I hated myself for the hypocrisy of my own continued existence

I was too ugly to live and was too cowardly to simply die, so I just tried to hide

There was never anyone to whom I could reveal my shame and deep despair

I grew defensively contemptuous of the ordinary habits and pleasures that were denied me

I sat alone after midnight as the walls closed in and the carpet weave rolled in waves

I hated myself and truly believed that it was the only correct and proper thing to do

Not Quite The Right Stuff

Perhaps got too much shade instead of good warm sunlight,

maybe took root in soil that was just a trifle poorer

not drained quite as well as required

or, perhaps, a bit too close to a footpath

took hold under limiting obstructions

very young, there came this hailstorm

maybe stepped upon as puppies

or smaller than all the others

grew too close to the downspout

possibly their mother was just too hungry

came up a season later, with siblings that were larger

or just shy and awkward, right off the bat, from birth

perhaps a trifle walleyed, a bit hare lipped or just a little deaf

father drank some and mother sorta accidentally fell down the apartment stairs

family was poor or they had prettier older brothers

often got no breakfast and wore that old and castoff clothing

simply could not always find the nourishment of mother’s teat

almost killed when he was still quite small, simple and defenseless

came to school in old sandals and her feet were brown and sandy

thought herself very stupid because she could not see the print

crippled by constant criticism resulting in chronic self-repulsion

thought that life was over after only sixteen totally embarrassed years

mother torn up by a nasty dog before she had weaned her kittens

the survivors having to learn of life bereft of her tender care

unable to pay attention long enough to ever start thinking straight

written off and forgotten though hardly even more than infants

left outside alone every day, slept on cardboard in the shed

ignored into chasing, growling, barking and then, at last, to biting

shaken for crying by caregivers who had been busy drinking

slowed considerably by mother’s chronic illnesses

rooted in soil made nearly toxic by construction

watered only by the runoff from dirty freeways and oily parking lots

diagnosed and written-off as failures by those who were their role models

told they were worthless and unworthy by parents that they just loved so blindly

instructed at an early age by authorities just to give it up and go away

totally invisible to those who might have been there to help them

given away when they stopped being cute

never socialized properly into any pack

stunted and bent by untimely snowstorms

grazed too low, time and again by passing deer

born high to a smoking, snorting, shot-up or drunken mother

squeezed into a modular beside a desolate road without expectations

found brothers in the prison and learned more there than at any school

knew only a family missing a parent and led by the child of a child

grew too close by the highway and was buried too often by the snowplow

road salt thrown up on their branches drained down into their roots

perfectly formed but not meeting accepted standards of normal beauty

written off quite early and very consistently through their formative years

hatched in a smaller pond where food was not too plentiful

finely-formed fish which weigh less than what we count as average

born without nurturing parents, favorable schools or sense of community

nonetheless, with good effort, able to pull just above the national average

surely you have seen them but perhaps not even noticed,

those far less than perfect, nonetheless, doing more than surviving

even though ill-favored or scarred, maybe abused, still they strive

they surely travel just as far, but on harder roads, than brothers of better circumstance