The End Of My Life

Nobody could have despised me any more or much better than I did all by myself

I saw the looks of disgust that they tried to cover while quickly turning away

Children spoke to me frankly and their parents hissingly pulled them aside

I hated myself for even the slightest hint of feeling sorry for me

Many women were frightened to be left alone anywhere with me

Others fled laughing together and I was left devastated in their echoes

In a world of clean and shiny youth, I was a disgusting pus-filled sac

I knew without a doubt there was no sense in even trying, ever again

I was isolated and alone and I knew it was far easier that way

I did not want to be around me, either, and I could clearly see just why

Books and drugs took me away, not from so-called reality, but from myself

A simple glance in the mirror brought on hours of suicidal thoughts

Everywhere I went people stared briefly and then turned away quickly in repulsion

I chose silence knowing that I would never have listened to such a thing as me

I grew obsessive and compulsive after seemingly endless failures

Family occasions became agonizing ordeals though only of simple polite conversation

Too cowardly for suicide, I tried to kill myself by being accident-prone

No one could help me and I grew less and less willing to help myself

Self-hatred banished self-pity and caustic cynicism encrusted me like a scab

A selfish depression weighed down all my thoughts and filled my head like a bad cold

I knew I would never play the good or even useful roles I read of in their books

I never understood why this would happen to anyone, and it had happened to me

An overwhelming sense of guilt, futility and foolishness was always upon me

I gave up on plans that others made and kicked aside the dreams that they pursued

Quit bothering to try after they proved to me too many times that it did not help

I watched as others grew up and moved on and knew that I would always remain

Would not have bothered listening had anyone ever tried to talk to me

Wore the same nondescript clothes for years because it simply made no difference

Avoided eye contact out of a sense of shame and bitter self-loathing

Went for days at a time without a word and never really spoke to anyone

Slept as much as I could but never awoke from the foolish nightmare

Spun slowly in a powerful eddy of painful but meaningless absurdity

Saw all too clearly the trivial nature of my inescapable predicament

Laughed most harshly at myself over many a powerful dose of self-medications

Could not think of the future for my overpowering disgust at the present

Grew mute and apathetic from visualizing myself as others saw me

Could not conceive of a future from the ruins of my self-destructive present

Traveled to distant fantasies with the music to forget for just a few moments

Had to take the bit part of an irrelevant fool in every single thing I did

Sat in the back in silence and simply took all the tests for no good reason

Could not adopt any role models for I knew they would not want me as a follower

Had an overwhelming need for drugs to gain brief pause from self-loathing

Spent almost all my time alone but was ashamed to be my only and best friend

Hated the world I had to build because I was not fit to be in theirs

Did not want to live but knew it would be even stupider to die

Grew so tired of being lonely, but that did not help at all

Had to stay numbed up because everything I did just made my lame shit worse

Missed all the good times then and I bitterly miss them still

Kept my mouth shut since I would not have taken seriously anything that I said

Tried to remain invisible but stood out like an infected wound

Wanted to be alone behind closed doors but there were always things to do

Woke up hung over to inescapable self-hatred each and every morning

At last I turned all of 16 and I had managed to remove all hope from my future