Vicious Cycles

When the shame of what I have done hits me like a blow one more useless time

I feel the trap of an endless cycle which I despise but never can escape

Once again, I realize that I do not control the foolish poison I have spewed,

And wish so hard that it did not always have to turn out this silly way

Afterwards I move about without the fire, in a juvenile shame for several days thereafter

Then I reach the point where I believe that it could not occur again

More time passes and I live what I perceive to be, an almost normal life

And gradually my emotions begin their slow rebirth once more

There is less and less depression and easy laughter lightens all the loads

The memories of my former acts seem very far away, indeed

I begin to believe, without knowing it, that things will finally go my way

Brimming with self-confidence, I face the problems of my days

Looking back, it seems that I really have, at last, learned that simple lesson

Now I live without the shame that follows so quickly upon my foolish anger

Then one day, indeed, it’s not ever very long, I am in some simple situation

Before I know it, the bell rings again and, as always, I must answer

Right or wrong it does not matter, my responses are always inappropriate

Loud and obnoxious, I willingly reject all I thought that I had learned

Eager in just a brief moment to accept that age-old urge to battle

Quite in spite of the fact that I know it never does me any good at all

I notice, but easily ignore, the not-so-subtle cues in each of these situations

The thought of being disrespected leading to a faster heart rate

The flush that creeps up to my face and the dilation of my eyes

Things I know are my own worst enemies, but by then it’s far too late

Part of me watches helplessly, simply cataloging the errors that I repeat

Part of me grows yet angrier, just knowing that I am losing control once again

My rationality becomes impaired and my judgment is affected

I cannot present my arguments in a clear or effective manner

In the back of my mind, I note that things are going badly

And then somehow I realize that I must have nothing left to lose

I give up all good hope and toss off my thin veil of civility all together

And at that point I do not really care anymore: Fuck whatever happens

Then it becomes a contest of sharp phrases and aggressive body language

A struggle not of minds but of emotions and ill will

There is no real pleasure in this pointless conflict behavior

But there never seems to be a way to escape them gracefully

Toe to toe we stand, exchanging insults instead of information

Unable to communicate anything more than a powerful subconscious hatred

Finally something breaks the spell and it is over for another time

A brief triumphal interlude ensues in which I am glad to be alive

Then comes the brutal truth of the redundant stupidity of my angry actions

At that point the foolish cycle begins again and I see blackly that, there is no escape