Assiduously Pounding Sand

To engage fully in some futile activity

Along with all the braying hordes we pilgrimage to the magic places

Driving, drinking, demanding and defecating

Snapping memories at safe and well-marked backdrops

Then hopping back inside to drive on for another few more years

And, baby, it all amounts to just as much as simply pounding sand

At those very special points of interest, where nature spoke to a great soul so long ago

Thousands more now walk and snack, litter, laugh and urinate

They are pounding sand and moving empty holes, from one place to another

Ticking off itinerary items on rushed side trips towards a mindful fulfillment

Following the signs to littered scenic overlooks to snap the memories of a lifetime

Hurrying in the footsteps of long gone inhabitants and explorers

Experiencing another artificially cultured revelation before returning to the car

Driving what seems like way out into the quiet and empty backcountry and finding safe crowds

Returning safely as the snacks run low and the kid’s boredom grows

They think briefly of the deep meaning here, that they read of in the shiny brochure

Stalwart adventurers with electric generators

Taking matching 40’ RVs on a million identical voyages of self-discovery

Pounding sand but pissing blood, as it happens, and it seems, way too soon

Stripped of all dignity and grace by their very own swarming numbers

Unappreciated sights disappearing in their unused rearview mirrors

Like some vast post-modernist zen poultry operation

Flipping the remote with one hand and clapping with the other

Keeping the sound of no sound safely muted

By the pointless cackling and the idle strutting of the lamed

Preserving only the illusion until it’s too late to grasp anything else at all

Pounding sand and shouting until we grow quite hoarse and still

Pointless microscopic sparks in one ever-expanding and darkening universe

Could I Really Be As Empty

Could I really be as empty as my daily life would lead me to believe

Could I be such a loser as the man I understand myself to be

Could I waste more resources for less reason than on the mindless habits of my existence

Could I squander time more efficiently than my obvious unconscious plan to throw my life away

Could I possibly awaken less often and still be considered to be alive

Could I perhaps find less self-loathing if I could just escape the past

Could I grow old and be steeped in wisdom if I did not find myself such a fool

Could I find consolation in this fleeting tale by ignoring the beginning and the end

Could I lay me down in hopes of sleep if I cast off this nonsense that pays the monthly bills

Could I still learn that, despite every lesson, it was not really all so tawdry and mundane

Could I salvage some scraps of meaning from these swirls of confusion amid waves of nonsense

Could I summon up all my courage, just to fail once again

Could I lose more than I bet by hoping more than trying

Could I gather all my forces and simply manage not to cry

Could I steal an extra moment through believing in my own lies

Could I really change the outcome instead of being a mere observer

Could I wait another lifetime before I perceive it's far too late

Could I stop fearing others’ motives, if I stopped questioning my own

Could I find some inner value through simply casting off my sense of worth

Could I spot an honest man by a simple comparison with myself

Could I determine truth or lie based upon who I think I am

Could I lose my hostility if I understood this anger

Could I first trust instead of mistrust, as simple as that seems to sound

Could I tell light black from shades of darker gray if I did not listen to this voice inside

Could I escape from this gripping sadness without losing what I think I know

Could I simply join the void again and just say it did not matter that I had made no difference

I Drank Too Much

The high-functioning alcoholic might have a high-powered job, strong finances, and an intact family, but...

I drank too much and one more time I swore it wouldn’t happen, ever again

But I lived for it and I planned for it and I really thought it helped to keep me going

I liked to drink alone and numbly ponder the darkness of the night

It did not matter if times were good or bad, for I drank happy and I drank sad

It helped me to hurt those who tried to love me and to despise myself as well

I drank too much but would not see that it really didn’t do me any good at all

I made sure I had a good supply even if I did not plan my meals too well

In my mind I had controlled it by letting it take control of me

I drank every day and twice on Saturdays and even more on holidays

I never missed a day of work and that’s how I measured my success

I planned my activities to leave plenty of time to spend simply drinking

I enjoyed vodka, wine, scotch and beer in their own true seasons

I sometimes awoke devoid of memories with an all-pervading sense of guilt

My head would ache and my muscles would be sore and that I called the flu

I drank too much and spent my time with others who did the same

I learned to sleep it off a while in my car before driving back towards home

I would drink with women and that made it easy to brush them off like flies

I could always pay my bills and I was never dirty, homeless and mumbling out loud

I liked to drink right before bedtime and then pass out for a while

I was a good member of the defiant class of working alcoholics

I drank too much and though I always knew, I tried not to give a damn

I would drink before going out, to save a little money

Later on I really straightened out and only drank away the weekends and holidays

Not a bit less did I live just to crawl down somewhere deep inside of the bottle

I bought the largest containers of liquor and it made me feel thrifty and secure

I would hate it when I would remember arriving somewhere but not driving home

I’d take my vitamins, ibuprofen, water and exercise to try and kill the hangovers

I never blamed anything on anybody, I knew my problems were my own

I drank too much but now I find, much to my surprise, I can’t drink so much at all

Took a wrong turn somewhere

Took a wrong turn somewhere off in the cold and dark

Missed the right cutoff real late on that foggy first night

Left the group to look at something shiny

Lost my way nosing about in the weeds

Stepped aside for just one moment

Turned around and you were gone

Stopped to rest and fell behind

Lost the trail as the rain grew chill

Did not pick up where I had left off

Pulled one loose thread and it all unraveled

Took my best shot and got my bell rung, real good

Followed some unmarked shortcut to a boring dead-end

Got driven crazy but then found out that road went in circles

Did not see the signpost where I was supposed to turn

Went out too far and could not swim in

Strayed from the herd and lost the beaten path

Got out front early and broke the wind for the pack

Tired out quickly and fell way off to the back

Somehow lost my place and had to start all over again

Stood for a long time waiting in the wrong line

Fell asleep at the wheel while driving on empty

stayed outside at night for way too long in the rain
could not rest in the darkness and after that, overslept

even missed the deadline for just signing up

dropped the ball on another important project

came up short on the final audit

hatched a plot that quickly spun awry

gambled too much on their harebrained schemes

lost precious time on unexpected detours

turned around three times, laid down and just went to sleep

read a book and missed my station

never would stop to ask for directions

followed a pig-track to a high fence

became an expert at cutting all the wrong corners

never really got my head on quite straight

made a lame error that cost us the game

got in pretty late but still went home quite early

took a long lunch break after perusing the news

curried favor among the losers

fawned upon those who fell from power

held beliefs that hindered my promotions

made statements that upset the tight office team

erased all the good, trying to correct the bad

killed all the flowers right along with the weeds

saved some time but lost a lot of money

knelt to pray but thought about work

stopped to ponder and then was fired

tried to speak despite my age

fought off sleep for all to see

foolishly asked the questions they deliberately left unspoken

made a joke at the wrong moment

talked too loud at some important event

stole a horny glance at the wrong woman

fired under uncertain circumstance

stayed out in the sun too long and too often

bathed too much in others’ dirty water

somehow lost sight of company goals

did not conform like a good team player

took no joy in group weenie roasts

sadly, found no pleasure in playing golf

became bored and restless when things grew routine

poked noisily around outside my concerns

quickly changed channels from important messages

turned off too soon from those in control

thought too much of those faroff Ort clouds

spent too much time pondering the infinitesimal

created belief systems shared with nobody else

expected that reason could, in the end, actually prevail

could not support so-called corporate ‘leaders’

went far below and did not re-surface

would not suffer political correctness

never gained traction for my silent agenda

never thought to pray as I lay me down to sleep

forgot to count all of my wayward little sheep

always tried to take the next curve even faster

read too much into the mystery shapes of clouds

stayed too long in some far off land of my dreams

felt too little for the brothers that I worked too hard

foolishly read instead of just watching television

was taught to question but got paid to shut up and obey

took a little time off but did not spend it well

could only despise the corporate agenda

swallowed the hook instead of simply chewing the bait

totally fooled instead of being merely entertained

threw wild punches instead of ducking

a little lost calf that would not bleat

went out the wrong door, never looking back

stayed on the high road beyond the last town

spent more time on the grammar than pondering the meaning

crawled off to die without being hurt

had the right-of-way but I still got flattened

took too much time making my own music

looked away when the flash went off

could not keep my eye on the ball

remained quite blind to the needs of others

was pretty satisfied to just be alone

made loud comments that others deemed inappropriate

swelled with an anger that hindered my progress

always worked towards some fuzzy future something

left standing behind where they do not mow

thought for myself and was ignored

questioned authority and got cuffed quickly down

took my time and finished last

smelled the roses until they all wilted

lived for the moment and my time ran out quickly

held back nothing and grew quite empty

knelt to pray but looked around

stood outside and smoked instead of listening

drove all night in the same city

woke up too early without much to do

found a voice that was both foul and brutal

never outgrew the child inside

went to sleep to the sound of truck traffic

woke up early and smelled the diesel fumes

saw pale sunshine through dirty windows

combed thru the trash that lined all the roads

crept up beside those recently departed

never knowing if it was them or maybe it was me