If I Had Nothing To Say

If I had nothing to say

I have said it all already

If I was born to be a nobody

I succeeded right from the start

If I was fated to do nothing

I have finished that already

If I was to be a loser

I was the first to come in last

If I was always a fool

I don't have to try anymore

If I went to hell as they bade me

I must certainly know the way

If I was simply worthless

I always understood my intrinsic value

If I had nowhere to go

I am already there

If I never had someone to meet

I have already met them

If I never had a thing to offer

I had already given it all up

If I never had a future

I have lived it all already

If I never had a chance

I need not fear any risk

If I have nothing left to show for

I am completely invisible at this time

If I knew not where I was going

I have not the slightest idea where I am

If I am one in a million

I know there must be uncountable millions

If I had no direction

All ways must be the same

If I was a quitter

I quit before I even started

If I had no potential

I have still done my very best

If I lost my way

it never slowed me down

If I always lived in the past

it is all over now

If I swallowed all my pride

that was not what made me fat
If I would not try hard enough

It was not all that easy

If I did not listen

I have heard it all in any case

If I had no guidance

I could not stray from the path

If I knew it all

it has left but little behind

If I wasted my best years

at least I don't remember

If I remained quite ignorant

I knew it all along

If I lacked a spine

It did not hurt to be stepped upon

If I was filled with self-contempt

how could my life be so very empty?

If I had lost my marbles

it was without a point of reference

If I were woeful and insecure

I was too afraid to say it

If my dreams were all in technicolor

I never knew black from white in reality

If I could not plan ahead

any and all actions were the same

If I lost my head

I found it filled with regrets

If I always heard only never

I easily escaped all futures

If I had been an angry young man

I morphed into a bitter old fool

If I had no sense at all

the world made perfect sense to me

If I did not use my head

I did not have to think about it

If I was not worth a damn

I really could not help them, anyway

A Slightly Above Average Man

Slightly above average, that man, a merest notch more than ordinary

Just smart enough to see how boring and useless was the nature of his life

Mired deeply in common torture with his mouth barely clearing the muck of mediocrity

Sentenced to be able to fully grasp the futility of his present,

Seeing the waste that is his past and predicting the folly in his future

Yes, able to see and understand, but no, not able to control or to alter

Consciousness of this simple absolute truth brings on a muted disappointment

Yet another former would-be, still not quite sure what, might-have-been

Above average but also not possessed of that great drive to riches or to power

A man above the average, but not nearly enough, and that he knows for sure

Not head and shoulders above the crowd but, frustratingly, almost above eye level

A notch above the masses, but so far below those he must always look up to

just a ittle more than average, man, just enough to really know his place

Just enough for sad regrets, just enough to be able to see his shortcomings

Just barely above enough to catch a glimmer of what his betters contest

Who knows why I could not listen

who knows who I might have been

if someone would have spoken and I could have listened

who knows what I could have discovered

if I could have found myself

who knows where I would have journeyed

for had I even found a clue, I still would have feared to travel

who knows if I ever even came of age

since I always worshiped only youth

who knows why I did all those things I now must regret

it simply would not matter, if only they still made sense today

who knows how I poisoned every good opportunity

if I had really tried, I could not have done it any better

who knows who I might have worked with

if I did not always keep anger so close at hand

who knows what I could have become

if that blackness had not dwelt so deep inside

who knows where I would have settled

if I were not forced to flee myself so often

who knows when I might have slowed down

if I had not given myself up as very broken

who knows why I did not listen

if I ever even thought of that, I did not pay attention

who knows how I grew so tired

if I never really worked too hard at all

who knows who could have helped me on my way

if I was not sure where I was going

who knows what I was thinking

if I always thought I never had a clue

who knows where I would have stopped

if reality had not at last got in my way

who knows when I stopped living for the future

if I never stopped trying to forget my past

who knows if the doors would still have stopped opening

if I had not let them hit me as I left again, in the past

who knows how I was mistaken for one of the living

if I was the walking zombie I knew inside

who knows why I felt so empty

if I really was as full of shit as I believed

who knows how I stayed alive throughout the endless years

if I thought my life had ended so very long ago

who knows who I might not have brought to tears

if I could have just felt myself in her place

who knows what remains behind

if I come from a past that was always lived for today

who knows where I finally saw myself

if I was always running, and never looking back

who knows when I started trying just to slow down

if I now go downhill so fast, quite out of control

who knows why I act like such a macho

if I know I am a chicken-shit disgrace

who knows how much time I should not have wasted

if I wished to age without regrets

who knows who might have helped this boy

if I had not been too much of a man to ask

who knows what I might have heard

if I could have stilled those inner voices

who knows where I picked up so many wrong ideas

if I would not listen to anyone at all

who knows when I first looked up and saw the game was over

if I still appear to strive to win

who knows why I thought we were somehow different

if I just look around at all the things we’ve done

who knows how often I started over

if I am still so very close to the beginning

Would you really do something meaningful?

Are you so sure it ends up all the same that the toxics in your wake are easy to forget

Are you just as good as dead but still wasting resources while steadily increasing your debt

Do things seem to be moving faster though you are slowing down

Is there another sound bite to be swallowed every time you turn around

Are you absolutely convinced you could make no difference so you’ve nothing to regret

Why must you wantonly and guiltlessly smash and grab just as goddamn much as you can get

Do you live just for today, without any history, or even memory of the past

Are you striving to go for the gusto but merely gaining weight way, way too fast

Is it really just that you are so sure you can’t do anything that matters, anyhow

Is it all so overwhelming that you must just lay there flipping channels on the couch

Are you too old, too ugly or too poor to take part in this orgy of mass consumption

Does your anger spiral down into thinner layers of increasingly-black depression

Would you really do something meaningful if you were simply given just one more chance

Are you standing up for your beliefs or aping some advertiser’s well-scripted stance

Is there truly nothing you can do or is it way easier to float than to try to make a difference

Is it the end of the world or just a bunch of wacko conspiracy, junk-science nonsense

Have you found your true calling or are you just fiddling with your iPod

Are you quite positive that it all gets done with a cynical smirk, a wink and a nod

How many different ways have you found to say real loud that you just don’t give a fuck

How is it that your success to date really differs from plain and simple, dumb luck

Are you rushing hard and ever faster at goals that you have never even specified

Did you go out to contemplate the cold black emptiness and run back, quite petrified

Do you trust that blind individual hyper-patriotic greed earns the blessing of your god

Or is there a sense that the movers and the shakers are all part of some greater fraud

Could I Really Be As Empty

Could I really be as empty as my daily life would lead me to believe

Could I be such a loser as the man I understand myself to be

Could I waste more resources for less reason than on the mindless habits of my existence

Could I squander time more efficiently than my obvious unconscious plan to throw my life away

Could I possibly awaken less often and still be considered to be alive

Could I perhaps find less self-loathing if I could just escape the past

Could I grow old and be steeped in wisdom if I did not find myself such a fool

Could I find consolation in this fleeting tale by ignoring the beginning and the end

Could I lay me down in hopes of sleep if I cast off this nonsense that pays the monthly bills

Could I still learn that, despite every lesson, it was not really all so tawdry and mundane

Could I salvage some scraps of meaning from these swirls of confusion amid waves of nonsense

Could I summon up all my courage, just to fail once again

Could I lose more than I bet by hoping more than trying

Could I gather all my forces and simply manage not to cry

Could I steal an extra moment through believing in my own lies

Could I really change the outcome instead of being a mere observer

Could I wait another lifetime before I perceive it's far too late

Could I stop fearing others’ motives, if I stopped questioning my own

Could I find some inner value through simply casting off my sense of worth

Could I spot an honest man by a simple comparison with myself

Could I determine truth or lie based upon who I think I am

Could I lose my hostility if I understood this anger

Could I first trust instead of mistrust, as simple as that seems to sound

Could I tell light black from shades of darker gray if I did not listen to this voice inside

Could I escape from this gripping sadness without losing what I think I know

Could I simply join the void again and just say it did not matter that I had made no difference

When did it really hit you?

when did you realize you knew not where you came from

             and that it made no sense to ask where you might be going

why have the things you once so believed in

faded into some gray background

what year was that when your hands finally dropped,

that thing which then slipped away unseen

what time was it that awful day

when the print just became too small

how was it that occasion you met someone from long ago

and you both saw your aging selves in each others’ faces

where were you hurrying off to just then

when you realized you really had nowhere to go at all

who died you thought seemed quite old

but was just as young as you

why does less snow fall and melt so much more quickly now

than in those colder times that we knew so well

what things unspoken, lines unread and gestures missing remain

to wake you in the night

why then if the sleep that repairs is such a basic need

do you rest so very poorly now

why should your soul persist forever more

if you live but these few blurry, wasted and forgotten years

when did you notice those things that you sought

might be standing squarely in your way

what were you doing when it hit you that

none of this could possibly really matter

how did you react the first time you knew

there were things that you could do no more

what ran through your mind when you first noticed

a task you had always planned but would never do

what happened to the places that you knew so well

which were the background to a life you no longer lead

why do things go by so much faster now

leaving questions that others more quickly answer

why did all the things you knew flow

like water through your grasping hand

where did you first veer from the road

and start stumbling through the weeds

who were those who sold you out

or took you for a fool and won without any consequence

who were the people who passed you by

when you thought you were still going places

how could it be that what is to them irrelevant, ancient history

you witnessed on TV

what was that thing you never saw

until it finally laid you low