If I Had Nothing To Say

If I had nothing to say

I have said it all already

If I was born to be a nobody

I succeeded right from the start

If I was fated to do nothing

I have finished that already

If I was to be a loser

I was the first to come in last

If I was always a fool

I don't have to try anymore

If I went to hell as they bade me

I must certainly know the way

If I was simply worthless

I always understood my intrinsic value

If I had nowhere to go

I am already there

If I never had someone to meet

I have already met them

If I never had a thing to offer

I had already given it all up

If I never had a future

I have lived it all already

If I never had a chance

I need not fear any risk

If I have nothing left to show for

I am completely invisible at this time

If I knew not where I was going

I have not the slightest idea where I am

If I am one in a million

I know there must be uncountable millions

If I had no direction

All ways must be the same

If I was a quitter

I quit before I even started

If I had no potential

I have still done my very best

If I lost my way

it never slowed me down

If I always lived in the past

it is all over now

If I swallowed all my pride

that was not what made me fat
If I would not try hard enough

It was not all that easy

If I did not listen

I have heard it all in any case

If I had no guidance

I could not stray from the path

If I knew it all

it has left but little behind

If I wasted my best years

at least I don't remember

If I remained quite ignorant

I knew it all along

If I lacked a spine

It did not hurt to be stepped upon

If I was filled with self-contempt

how could my life be so very empty?

If I had lost my marbles

it was without a point of reference

If I were woeful and insecure

I was too afraid to say it

If my dreams were all in technicolor

I never knew black from white in reality

If I could not plan ahead

any and all actions were the same

If I lost my head

I found it filled with regrets

If I always heard only never

I easily escaped all futures

If I had been an angry young man

I morphed into a bitter old fool

If I had no sense at all

the world made perfect sense to me

If I did not use my head

I did not have to think about it

If I was not worth a damn

I really could not help them, anyway

My Life Of Whispers

Stored up a poisonous rage and acidic resentment deep inside myself over external injustices

Bristled as the less timid squeaked out their shortsighted, greedy and furtive leadership deception

Lay in bed late at night and remade the world, got up tired and went tamely off again to my dull job

Grew hoarse deep inside from shouting out the truth, without even raising the slightest whisper

Too timid to open my mouth when it counted, too afraid to really stand up for anything at all

Too insecure to be a leader, too little self-confidence to try for even the second-best schools

Unable to push my way under the lights, wrapped up too tightly in my own silly phobias

Too often called a nothing when I was quite young, drilled on my inabilities, time and again

Too long alone with self-ingrained reproaches, mine was a life of whispers, no one else should hear

Too much time wasted on a foolish depression, overly attentive to meaningless internalities

Afraid to speak out thinking I might sound as stupid as them, yet poisoned by my own angry silence

Peeping shrill protests, but only to myself, shamed into empty muteness by my screaming insecurity

Too willing to just let them rape and waste, con and steal, defile and then righteously pontificate

Cowed into an uneasy and guilty silence by the deeply ground-in knowledge that they are my betters

Unable to be driven by greed and insecurity to back-bite, face-step and ass-kiss my way to the top

Railing only to myself in the empty solitude of long nights, but without releasing the smallest sound

Responding to atrocities, extinctions and propaganda with the merest shake of my head

Harboring secret plans to someday stand up for what I never actually stated out loud I believed in

Too happily turning over mind and senses to endless channel flipping and video games

Abbreviating my thought into chopped soundbite nonsense, constantly tweeting and texting

Never dared organize, distill and commit my complaints publicly for fear of a just ridicule

Jealously would not support others who spoke out, but kept my own words jumbled up inside

Too crippled by internal contradictions to ever get to my feet on my own and speak out at all

Too deeply mired in self-loathing to get beyond a mute mediocrity they treated as tacit acceptance

Lecturing, tutoring and even preaching, but only ever to myself, and just when I was alone

Able to see my own internal contradictions well enough to keep them balled up inside

A life of impotent whispering in dark halls that was never really meant for other’s ears at all

Forced to think in shouts over the idiot noise that gradually drove me deaf, even on the inside

During A Lucid Interval

During a moment that I realized much later had simply been wasted

I caught a glimpse of the endless futility in all of my efforts

During an instant when I saw a fleeting outline of what might have mattered

There appeared the lasting realization of my own eternal worthlessness

During the war I lost my bearings but still kept on obeying every order

I saw myself from afar committing those endless acts of horror

During an interval in which life forced me to stop and think

Besides you, I found but little that I could truly count on

During that time when I might as well have been underwater

I saw the surface from below, and it was bright with hazy detail

During the flash I was not sure if I saw at last or had just been blinded

Then came the worry that I had never really known the difference

During an era where I crawled from the baking mud to the steaming swamp

I often looked back with fondness upon the clear blue sea

During a meeting through which I sat as if in deepest torpor

I saw myself actually permitting them to bleed my short time away

During my recovery I realized just how often I had almost died

So I tried on other futures in front of that newly illuminated mirror

During a sunrise in which I found that I was tired through and through

It seemed an eternity to yet another evening without rest

During the long trip, all of my normal routines were broken

And slowly I realized how little else was left there, inside of me

During the springtime as I became older

There came the knowledge that I grew more slowly every year

During a dream I convinced myself to no longer be so sure..

Of all those things I was seeing when I thought I was awake

During my illness I finally had the opportunity to ponder

At last I was cured, but my time to act had come and gone

During my short trip there was so much new to see

Arriving back home my eyes quickly closed up, once again

During the morning a birdsong captured my attention

I was quite aware for a moment then fell back into dull normalcy

During a lifetime spent always looking forward to now-forgotten non-events

Abruptly came the instant that would have to last me forever

During my trial I made up no new lies

But parroted the adopted truth of others as an armor of my own

During the time that the sun grew ever hotter

The sandbanks grew too warm to shelter my clutch of eggs

During the snowstorm things were perfectly clear

Then came the next day and once again I was no longer very sure at all

In the light before the dawn it seemed as if things could actually make sense

Then slowly everything dissolved back into that dusty chaos beneath the hot sun

During the stage where I was forced into thinking, I could not sleep

Mercifully it was decreed that I should not have to be so alive forever

During the executive speeches I felt an alienation tinged with anomie

Returning to my cubicle I re-donned a simple but protective cynicism

During the excitement I saw the expression of the pitchmen

After the sale, both parties were drained as if by hot sex

During the future things always seem to go faster than before

Luckily the past is not exactly what it once used to be, anymore

During this moment I tried hard merely to pause

I had planned so long for this instant and it was gone in a flash

During these thoughts both our minds wandered off

Now you stray farther taking some part of me with you

During the entire period of my personal devolution

I helped emit photons which must travel on forever thru space

During a particularly comatose and vegetative recreational interlude

I felt I was partially restored by emitting CO2 to make manly noise

During my blindness my hearing became quite acute

I heard you smiling as we lay in each other’s arms, quiet and still

During hibernation from critical thinking I slept-walked with all the others

Like most, I was never called upon to actually awaken

During the war only simple thoughts of our home could sustain us

Meanwhile we strove to exterminate just those same things of our enemies

During an epoch in which I browsed the floating plants of the ponds

There came the notion that things might not be what they seemed

During a commercial I merely glanced at the time and then went quite blank

Later in hospital I wished I might have thought of something better to do

During any form of beat down there was no ambiguity

Then came the might-haves, would-haves, should-haves and could-haves

During that instant as I flew through the air

I thought perhaps there awaited a transcendent moment

During the full moon many things moved around

At that time it was easy for me to happily scuttle about, quite unnoticed

During the celebration of that final great victory over our satanic enemies

I was struck by surprise at how little we actually knew of them

During a briefing I noted the officials appeared quite cheerful and optimistic

Up tempo despite the obvious and unstated facts quite to the contrary

During the monsoon as I sat watching everything washing away

I saw at last the wisdom in this new way of life

During years of study I realized how much smaller my knowledge appeared

So I grew more and more wary of all those who prattled on so very glibly

During the night I was awakened by some terrible unknown inaction

I lay for hours uneasy and then came a merciful unconsciousness

During my so-called career I was silenced by pretexts of professionalism

Yet no voices were raised against the many useless, backbiting, lazy suckups

During the end of anesthesia I remember swimming ever upward

I was trying very hard to hold my breath to the surface, far above

During the time when the icicles grew longer by the day

We worried about the pale sun as it kept coming later and leaving earlier

During early June we knew things would always keep getting better

I was convinced I was never meant to grow old like my father

During my last years I tried to remember what I had always wanted

Finally it seemed I was merely waiting for the last thing I would recall

During the epidemic I helped gather children’s bodies

Soon they began to wave to me from all their grotesque positions

During my first prison sentence I learned from the real masters of crime

Back on the street I vowed never to be apprehended again

During some party function the vodka finally got the best of me

Three days later I began that long train ride east in a cattle car

During her flight from the conflict she often slept in untended barns

To get a bath she might well have to bargain her wretched self

During his trial the old women hissed and spat

Fatherless children looked to the court for some explanation

During the bombings we huddled and the blood came from our ears

Later we saw that our only drinking well had been totally destroyed

During the long march they lost all contact with their homes

Thusly, was it easier for them to burn distant villages to the ground

During his lifetime our great leader always pointed out the proper way

Without his strict guidance we quickly fell into a savage ethnic cleansing

During the fire it grew dark and the smoke tinged all of our thoughts

Reports from far away hinted of a vast destruction

During my pregnancy I was raped and then kicked by the partisans

Later they returned and left me toothless but with child once again

During the hottest part of the day I could find no hope as I toiled

Still, when the merciful clouds brought gentle breezes I felt spiritually uplifted

During my lifetime I always tried to imagine those billions of years

But in the end, my 3 score and 10 still seemed like the larger part of forever

During my father’s slow passing we stood carefully, forehead to forehead

As if after long head butting we might at least part in peace

Unprotected Vision

Naively I peered beneath the lovely thin veneer of bullshit with my naked eyes

Destroyed both my retinas having neither proper guidance nor protection

Took it straight into my brain for reasons that I could not explain

While you stayed safely in the shadows and always asked me why

Ingested the potent images which harmed my inner workings

Stared straight at the radioactive glow emanating from the blistering center

Remained unaware for years of the accumulating damage

the pure whites of my eyes grew yellow and their clear lenses fogged

Gazed fixedly at things you had the commonsense to just ignore

Blinded for long periods by the searing after-images

Stumbled about as my eyes readjusted and you thought me drunk

I never understood the hazards of my unprotected vision

Could not stand the thick dark blinders which might have saved my sight

Dismissed as cowardly those who did not peer as deeply into the flames

Scorched my rods and burnt my cones until dark and light were just the same

Shorted out my optic nerve on impulses that others painlessly avoided

My visual cortex smoked and melted down from the overly-bright, chaotic flashing

Processed too many inputs that normal folks had the sense to turn aside

Stared long at harmful emissions from which they quickly looked away

Felt the grotesque images they never saw become part of my nightly dreams

Was driven by my visions into a rant that was incomprehensible to others

Finally tried to look away, but by then it was far to late to matter

At last I could no longer see even in the good light of simple daytime

Then, I illuminated everything with the rays that had made me mostly blind

Crawled off into the depths but could not be soothed, even by the empty darkness

Took to cursing your protective lenses which were broken when I got them

Stumbled more as I grew older and my sight narrowed to tiny points

Seared in vain, my eyes could not share the visions that supported you

Unprotected gazing made me blind but what I had seen would not then sustain me

Vicious Cycles

When the shame of what I have done hits me like a blow one more useless time

I feel the trap of an endless cycle which I despise but never can escape

Once again, I realize that I do not control the foolish poison I have spewed,

And wish so hard that it did not always have to turn out this silly way

Afterwards I move about without the fire, in a juvenile shame for several days thereafter

Then I reach the point where I believe that it could not occur again

More time passes and I live what I perceive to be, an almost normal life

And gradually my emotions begin their slow rebirth once more

There is less and less depression and easy laughter lightens all the loads

The memories of my former acts seem very far away, indeed

I begin to believe, without knowing it, that things will finally go my way

Brimming with self-confidence, I face the problems of my days

Looking back, it seems that I really have, at last, learned that simple lesson

Now I live without the shame that follows so quickly upon my foolish anger

Then one day, indeed, it’s not ever very long, I am in some simple situation

Before I know it, the bell rings again and, as always, I must answer

Right or wrong it does not matter, my responses are always inappropriate

Loud and obnoxious, I willingly reject all I thought that I had learned

Eager in just a brief moment to accept that age-old urge to battle

Quite in spite of the fact that I know it never does me any good at all

I notice, but easily ignore, the not-so-subtle cues in each of these situations

The thought of being disrespected leading to a faster heart rate

The flush that creeps up to my face and the dilation of my eyes

Things I know are my own worst enemies, but by then it’s far too late

Part of me watches helplessly, simply cataloging the errors that I repeat

Part of me grows yet angrier, just knowing that I am losing control once again

My rationality becomes impaired and my judgment is affected

I cannot present my arguments in a clear or effective manner

In the back of my mind, I note that things are going badly

And then somehow I realize that I must have nothing left to lose

I give up all good hope and toss off my thin veil of civility all together

And at that point I do not really care anymore: Fuck whatever happens

Then it becomes a contest of sharp phrases and aggressive body language

A struggle not of minds but of emotions and ill will

There is no real pleasure in this pointless conflict behavior

But there never seems to be a way to escape them gracefully

Toe to toe we stand, exchanging insults instead of information

Unable to communicate anything more than a powerful subconscious hatred

Finally something breaks the spell and it is over for another time

A brief triumphal interlude ensues in which I am glad to be alive

Then comes the brutal truth of the redundant stupidity of my angry actions

At that point the foolish cycle begins again and I see blackly that, there is no escape

Finally gave up asking why

Never knew why he struck that other man so hard with that jagged piece of metal

Something always came over them and they had this overwhelming urge to just lash out

No reason was found when they shot all those men then gang raped their women

It was a long-simmering feud between two genetically identical groups in different clothes

Never knew why we kicked in their faces and then laughed as they lay bleeding

Many years later it seemed like just one more lowly task in another bad job

Did not understand why soldiers abused us and left us in poverty, with bastard children

They could not see our simple need for mercy and sweet grace in time to help

Always wondered about tossing plague dead inside those besieged castles

Was it the same reason we gave the Indians those smallpox-ridden blankets?

Had not a clue why they skewered us on sticks covered with their own shit

Would not ask why we showered them with napalm and agent orange

Never knew why that laughing Asian boy lost half a leg to an old land mine

Failed to comprehend that she stuffed her newborn into an empty milk carton

Tried to make sense of drugged children on rampages with machine guns

Could not give any reasons for their after school torture of that stray cat

Did not find a single flaw in the convoluted logic of the mass murderer

Lacked any sense that evil needed to fear any retribution now or in any future

Did not have any excuses for molesting those they entrusted me to teach

Found it useless to question my need to drink myself into dementia

Asked all the wise men why they did not act to put an end to war at last

Never knew why hatred came much faster and easier than simple kindness

Surprised by my discovery of the hidden list of those I would gladly kill

Could not side with the Hutus or the Tutsis, the Sunnis or the Shiites

Did not reflect upon the soulless corporate slaughter of the chickens, pigs and cows

Did not even question our need for more biological, nuclear and chemical weapons

Never knew why he wound up punching his wife until she cried and begged

Refused to see the violent cycle they always began following once again

Had no issue with light punishment for those boys who set a lost dog on fire

After all, it was just in fun and they likely would not harm a human being...

Barely skimmed short filler paragraph on the weekly killing of one more homeless vet

Ignored the righteous fury that goaded others to bomb abortion clinics

Never knew why he was instantly filled with terrible rage, sitting alone in his car

Did not ask how generations of the sons of single mothers filled up our prisons

Shook my head and strapped on a bomb to die killing civilian infidels for His glory

Could not imagine any deity that would leave those children bleeding on the street

Gave up wondering how the church spent the money given by the poor

How quickly he forgot the 20 illegales who suffocated inside his van in the desert

Was faintly surprised by the rape of starving refugees in filthy desert camps

Saw as their bloated babies witnessed with flies in their eyes

Did not question that a god of love and mercy demanded so many deaths

Never even considered that being rich did not require being wasteful

Never cared that automatic rifles were easier to obtain than vaccinations

Did not ask about why our peace loving democracy exported so many weapons

Was not too curious why the old and helpless were beaten, conned and robbed

Raised no issues over aiding brutally repressive dictatorships - for many decades

Never asked why education was required for driving but not for having children

Was confused for just a moment hearing that foreigners sold their own internal organs

Did not need to ask any questions as faraway oceans were stripped of life

Did not understand how AIDS orphans could turn to child prostitution

Never knew why fanatics around the world would hate us with such virulence

Heard with their hearts as their Creator denied those Godless evolutionists

Was slightly bemused about the fuzzy thinkers pushing their climate hoax

Had not the time to consider the depth of poverty all across the world

Observed in disbelief the power of one musty book as the universe expanded at light speed

Was not concerned that oil, water, air and land vanished quickly...worldwide

Watched unwanted girls arrive from china as our fatherless black boys grew up in jail

Rode in windows-up, air-conditioned comfort past dirty slums filled with lazy, shiftless sinners

Never even pondered how global corporate consolidation might actually advance human society

Did not realize how many drank and bathed just below where others shit

Never cared a bit when they stopped seeking the wisdom and advice of their elders

Were not interested in asking their merciful God why war was simply part of their nature

Had no time to actually consider their goals but always looked to achieve them even faster

Did not find any real answers among the heavy reams of fine print legalese

Just didn’t quite see how our traffic jams ruined the lifestyle of the polar bear

Did not really notice as earth’s richness was ever so thoughtlessly stripped away

Never considered seriously that man was a product of nature just like all the other animals

Could not grasp why billions hauled wood and water every day for cooking and drinking

Never knew why such as PCBs and asbestos, lead and mercury caused such a fuss

Was not convinced by junk science astrophysics but totally bought into religious fundamentalism

Was not too concerned with the distant genocide of those who lived in landfills

Did not question that the righteous joined their savior forever in a heavenly paradise

Could not see the reason that armed men led her quiet husband off that day

Quit bothering to ask the padre why the lord would permit this awful thing or that

Kept finding so little reason in those many life and death situations

Searched for any meaning left in the rubble from the bomb that killed that little girl

Finally gave up asking why they had to shoot at different soldiers every day

Never knew why her little puppy had to run out in front of that speeding car

Kept trying to get us to believe that their getting richer trickled down to help the poor

Never did help those smiling kids with their dirty clothes, greasy hair and muddy feet

Praised the Lord and let His will be done, without posing those sticky questions

Never asked why churches ran like franchises yet paid no taxes whatsoever

Never determined why country folk made alcohol, meth and opioids part of the heartland

Did not get used to those short dark strangers speaking Spanish in damn America

Never knew why one died in Iraq and another was shot dead on his porch

Took comfort in faith and gained a distracting relief from vexing mysteries

In the end did not understand why others lived on but one dollar every day

Should not have questioned why she had never heard any of those happy songbirds

A Slightly Above Average Man

Slightly above average, that man, a merest notch more than ordinary

Just smart enough to see how boring and useless was the nature of his life

Mired deeply in common torture with his mouth barely clearing the muck of mediocrity

Sentenced to be able to fully grasp the futility of his present,

Seeing the waste that is his past and predicting the folly in his future

Yes, able to see and understand, but no, not able to control or to alter

Consciousness of this simple absolute truth brings on a muted disappointment

Yet another former would-be, still not quite sure what, might-have-been

Above average but also not possessed of that great drive to riches or to power

A man above the average, but not nearly enough, and that he knows for sure

Not head and shoulders above the crowd but, frustratingly, almost above eye level

A notch above the masses, but so far below those he must always look up to

just a ittle more than average, man, just enough to really know his place

Just enough for sad regrets, just enough to be able to see his shortcomings

Just barely above enough to catch a glimmer of what his betters contest